(a not for profit organization)
I stole this from www.85repeater.com
On two meters and creeping to
70 centimeters, I have noticed a tendency of people making a effort
to sound like a "LID". Since this appears to be the new style in
Amateur Radio, I thought I would present this funny guide to radio
nerd-dom. A exercise in sarcasm.
Step One : Use as many "Q" signals as
possible. Yes, I know they were invented solely for CW and are
totally inappropriate for two meter or 70 centimeter FM, but
they are fun and entertaining. They keep people guessing as to what
you really meant. I.E. "I'm going to QSY to the phone." Can you
really change frequencies to the phone? QSL used to mean, "I am
acknowledging receipt", but now it appears to mean, "yes" or "OK". I
guess I missed it when the ARRL changed the meaning. It is also best
to use "OK" and "QSL" together. Redundancy is the better part of
Step Two : Never laugh when you can say "HI HI". No
one will ever know you aren't a long time CW rag-chewer if you don't
tell them. They'll think you've been on since the days of Marconi.
Step Three : Utilize an alternative vocabulary. Use
words like "destinated" and "negatory". It's OK to make up your own
words here. I.E. "Yeah Tom, I "pheelbart zaphonix" occasionally
Step Four : Always say "XX4XXX" (Insert your own call)
"for I.D." As mentioned in Step One, anything that creates
redundancy is always encouraged. That's why we have the Department
of Redundancy Department. (Please note that you can follow your call
with "for identification purposes" instead of "for I.D." While
taking longer to say, it is worth more "LID points".
Step Five : The better the copy on two meter FM, the
more you should use phonetics. Names should be especially used if
they are short or common ones. I.E. "My name is Al... Alpha Lima" or
"Jack.. Juliet Alpha Charlie Kilo." If at all possible use the less
common HF phonetics "A4SM... America, Number Four, Sugar Mexico."
And for maximum "LID points", make up unintelligible phonetics. "My
name is Bob... Billibong Oregano Bumperpool."
Step Six : Always give the calls of yourself and
everyone who is (or has been) in the group, whether they are still
there or not. While this has been unnecessary for years,
it is still a great memory test. You may also use "and the group" if
you are an "old timer" or just have a bad memory. Extra points for
saying everyone's call and then clearing in a silly way "K2PKK,
Step Seven : Whenever possible, use the wrong
terminology. It keeps people guessing. Use "modulation" when you
mean "deviation", and vice-versa.
Step Eight : If someone asks for a break, as a break
is meant to be, an emergency, always finish your turn, taking as
long as possible before turning it over. Whenever possible, pass it
around a few times first. This will discourage the breaker, and if
it is an emergency, encourage him to switch to another repeater and
not bother you.
Step Eight A
:Always say "Station" or "Contact" or even Break when you
want to let them know you are out there, never just give your call.
This will really add the points to your already massive total.
Step Nine : Always ask involved questions of the
person who is trying to sign out. Never let him get by with just a
"yes" or "no" answer. Make it a question that will take him a long
time to answer.
Step Ten : The less you know on a subject, the more
you should speculate about it in the roundtable. Also the amount of
time you spend on the subject should be inversely proportionate to
your knowledge of the subject even though you have no damn clue.
Step Eleven : Always make sure you try to communicate
with only a handheld and a rubber duck antenna. Also, make sure you
work through a repeater that you can hear very well, but it cannot
hear you. This will put out a kind of "LID mating call": "Well, Joe,
I can hear the repeater just fine here. I wonder why it can't hear
me?" You will score maximum LID points if you are mobile, and with
the radio lying in the passenger seat.
Step Twelve : If you hear two amateurs start a
conversation, wait until they are twenty seconds into their contact,
and then break in to make a call, or better yet to use the
auto-patch. Make sure you keep the repeater tied up for at least
three minutes. This way, once the two have re-established contact,
they won't even remember what they were talking about.
Step Thirteen : You hear someone on the repeater
giving directions to a visiting amateur. Even if the directions are
good, make sure you break in with your own "alternate route but
better way to get there" version. This is most effective with
several other "would-be LIDs", each giving a different route. By the
time the visiting amateur unscrambles all the street names whizzing
by in his mind, he should have moved out of the range of the
repeater. This keeps you from having to stick around to help the guy
get back out of town, later.
Step Fourteen : If an annoying station is bothering
you, make sure your other "LID" buddies have a "coded" frequency
list. Even though "CODES" are strictly forbidden on Amateur Radio,
it's really neat to practice "James Bond" tactics.
Step Fifteen : Always use the National Calling
Frequency for general conversations. The more uninteresting, the
longer you should use it. Extra points are awarded if you have
recently move from an adjacent frequency for no reason. Make sure
when DX is "rolling" in on 52.525 that you hang out there and talk
to your friends five miles down the road about the good old CB days!
Step Sixteen : Make sure that if you have a personal
problem with someone, you should voice your opinion in a public
forum, especially a net. Make sure you give their name, call, and
any other identifying remarks. For maximum points, make sure the
person in question is not on the repeater, or not available.
Step Seventeen : Make sure you say the first few words
of each transmission twice, especially if it is the same thing each
time. Like "roger, roger" or "fine business, fine business". I
cannot stress enough about encouraging redundancy.
Step Eighteen : If you hear a conversation on a local
repeater, break in and ask how each station is receiving you. Of
course they will only see the signal of the repeater you are using,
but it's that magic moment when you can find a fellow "LID", and get
the report. Extra points are awarded if you are using a base
station, and the repeater is less than twenty-five air miles from
Step Nineteen : Use the repeater for an hour or two at
a time, preventing others from using it. Better yet, do it on a
daily basis. Your quest is to make people so sick of hearing your
voice every time they turn on their radio, they'll move to another
frequency. This way you'll lighten the load on the repeater, leaving
even more time for you to talk on it.
Step Twenty : See just how much flutter you can
generate by operating at handheld power levels too far away from the
repeater. Engage people in conversations when you know they wont be
able to copy half of what your saying. Even when they say your
uncopyable, continue to string them along by making further
transmissions. See just how frustrated you can make the other
amateur before he finally signs off in disgust.
Step Twenty One : Use lots of radio jargon. After all,
it makes you feel important using words ordinary people don't say.
Who cares if it makes you sound like you just fell off Channel 19 on
the citizen's Band? Use phrases such as "Roger on that", "10-4",
"I'm on the side", "Your making the trip" and "Negatory on that".
I could never
figure out just what you are on the side of? The law? Then what
side? Your left side? Your right Side? Up Side? Down Side?
Step Twenty Two : Use excessive microphone gain. See
just how loud you can make your audio. Make sure the audio gain is
so high that other amateurs can hear any bugs crawling on your
floor. If mobile, make sure the wind noise is loud enough that
others have to strain to pick your words out from all the racket.
Step Twenty Three : Start every transmission with the
word "Roger" or "QSL". Sure, you don't need to acknowledge that you
received the other transmission in full. After all, you would simply
ask for a repeat if you missed something. But consider it your gift
to the other amateur to give him solace every few seconds that his
transmissions are being received.
Step Twenty Four : When looking for a contact on a
repeater, always say your "listening" or "monitoring" multiple
times. I've always found that at least a half dozen times or so is
good. Repeating your multiple "listening" ID's every 10 to 15
seconds is even better. Those people who didn't want to talk to you
will eventually call you, hoping you'll go away after you have
finally made a contact.
Step Twenty Five : Always use a repeater, even if you
can work the other station easily on simplex ... especially if you
can make the contact on simplex. The coverage of the repeater you
use should be inversely proportional to your distance from the other
Step Twenty Six : When on repeaters using courtesy
tones, you should always say "over". Courtesy tones are designed to
let everyone know when you have unkeyed but don't let that stop you.
Say "over", "back to you" or "go ahead". It serves no useful purpose
but don't worry, it's still fun!
Step Twenty Seven : Use the repeater's auto patch for
frivolous routine calls... especially during morning or evening
commute times. While pulling into the neighborhood, call home to let
them know you'll be there in two minutes.... or, call your spouse to
complain about the bad day you had at work. After all, the club has
"measured rate" service on their phone line so they get charged for
each call auto patch. Your endeavor is to make so many patches in a
year that you cost the club at least $20 in phone bills. That way
you'll feel you got your money's worth for your dues!
Step Twenty Eight : Never say "My name is ....." It
makes you sound human. If at all possible, use one of the following
phrases: a) "The personal here is ..." b) "The handle here is..."
Step Twenty Nine : Use "73" and "88" incorrectly. Both
are already considered plural, but add a "s" to the end anyway. Say
"73's" or "88's". Who cares if it means "best regards" and "love and
kisses." Better yet, say "seventy thirds"! (By the way, seventy
thirds equals about 23.3).
Step Thirty : If the repeater is off the air for
service, complain about the fact that it was off the air as soon as
it's turned back on. Act as though your entire day has been ruined
because the repeater wasn't available when you wanted to use it.
Even thought you have never paid a penny to help out with the upkeep
These easy steps should put you well on your way to "LID-Hood". I
hope these helpful hints will save you some time in your quest to
sound like the perfect "LID". I should also note that these steps
need not apply to simplex operation, as nobody really gives a crap
because that HTX-202 isn't going to get out too far with just a